The first time

I can’t say for sure if anyone else has felt this way but everytime the sun shines I go back to the first time I felt the sun after I got clean

It’s been just over 2 years since I felt it but it was as if I had never felt the sun before. I can’t even remember where I was or what I was doing. I just remember that it was pivotal.

It was like I hadn’t been warm in my entire life until that moment. My whole body just soaking up the vitamin d. So bright I couldn’t see but I never wanted to move. I just wanted to bask in it forever.

I woke up this morning to see my friend again. The sun shining bright like today’s reminder of why I stay clean.

I never felt that loaded. I was incapable of it. Everything when I was loaded blurred by so quickly that I didn’t feel that there was time to notice it. I’m sure it was there, but I couldn’t be bothered.

Today, I am clean and free. I’m untouched by the substances that used to cloud my thoughts and feelings. And though it also leaves me able to feel what I would perceive to be negative it also leaves me more than willing to feel every bit of amazingness that my world has to show me. I’m free to be who I am, without reservation or anxiety. I’m me, a better me than I was yesterday, awaiting what life will hold for the day to make me who I’ll become tomorrow.

I choose to focus on the little things, because sometimes those small pieces of happiness are all I have. I choose to have joy today. I choose to not apologize for how I feel or what I want. And I choose to be greatful for all that’s come into my life as a result of my decision to let go of drugs. Not to mention the excitement of what is to come.

What I have accomplished thus far is so beyond everything I thought possible on day one. If you had told me then what my life would be today I would have laughed and called you a liar. But today I stand corrected. My life is beautiful and it’s because of, I believe, the 3 decisions I make every morning.

1. Will I get loaded today? And for 2 years now the answer has been no. An answer I still don’t foresee changing.
2. Am I going to run the show or will I let my higher power?  I’m still practicing this one. It’s not easy for a control freak to let go of the reigns but it seems to all work out so I let go to the best of my ability.
3. Am I gonna be happy? This is something I’ve learned to decide before the day has begun. It’s one thing to be happy for the good things. It’s another entirely to decide before anything happens at all. If I decide from the beginning I can hold to that no matter what.

Long time coming…

So after having this set up for so long its about time I actually used it… Im a 22 year old recovering addict. I really don’t care whether anyone ever realizes this blog is here, I just suck at journaling and im always on the internet so why not….

I suppose the most accurate way to introduce myself as a recovering addict would be to introduce you to the girl I was before.

I grew up in an amazing, well structured home. Parents still together, good relationships with my family. I used to hate drugs and alcohol. I thought it was pointless and a waste of time. But I had no idea that there was so much I didn’t know. When I was 13 we had a huge loss in the family and as im sure one could imagine I spiraled out of control from then on. Starting with self mutilation and then to an eating disorder before finally substance abuse. I lacked the ability to understand and process my own emotions. I couldn’t communicate with others even with the smallest things. I decided that instead of dealing with the hard stuff I would just stuff it deep down and forget about it. Clearly that didn’t go very well….

I was introduced to tobacco and alcohol at age 17. From day 1 I knew I was a blackout drinker. well, more honestly I should say I knew I drank differently than my friends.  After my first night of drinking with friends, it was so much craziness and close calls one would think id take a hint but I was blind. I didn’t realize how much trouble I would’ve caused or harm I could have done until years after. But from then on I was known by my peers as an alcoholic. which I denied.

By age 18 I was smoking marijuana which to most seems pretty benign.my friends were doing it and it was pretty well accepted with my peers. although for an addict it is far from harmless. My addiction was progressing and I was becoming more dependant on substances to deal with my reality. Mostly my emotional reality.

Because of my substance use I felt disconnected from family, friends who didn’t participate in it, and most of all normal life. I only came home when it was necessary, I did the bare minimum in school, usually buzzed or hung over from drinking and to be honest I don’t know how I graduated.

Once I graduated I thought my friends and I could party for the summer and then I would get on with life. at least that was the plan. I got my first full time job, my high school sweetheart and I moved in with all our friends, in an illegitimate location no less and proceeded to do what we wanted. Embracing the irresponsibility and illegal activity. it was a game. or so we thought.

The substances drew us all apart. upon moving in we started conning each other into sharing multiple substances. Always agreeing to pay our own portions. Always getting intoxicated together. By mid summer I had already started abusing Adderall, couldn’t be bothered to show up to work without it, and I really couldn’t be bothered to participate in the friendships I had. My high school sweetheart had a side girl, I was working all the time and when I wasn’t working I was getting high. It left no time for anyone else. I left my first job for a new one and my high school sweetheart for a new boy. by the end of summer I put down Adderall for molly. A drug I was entirely uneducated about. One of which I trusted a new guy about too much.

I took molly to the extreme just like I had done with all else. I cut out all my friends who didn’t agree with my decision to use drugs, and surrounded myself with those who didn’t protest my actions. By 19 I hit my first bottom. I thought that the trouble I got into at home would be enough to deter me from using and that my life could officially begin. The unfortunate part was that it only lasted 3 months. I not only didn’t cut ties with my using friends I also made new connections through texting and social media with new users. One of which I chose to date. What I learned in doing what I did next is that substances in their entirety are off limits for me. period. no exceptions.

I drank new years 2013 and that started everything again. This time worse than id ever experienced. I went back to my friend molly and used her more than I ever had. With the new boys drug background I learned a lot. 1. people who aren’t using can get pulled in easily. 2. the “Molly” id been doing wasn’t molly at all…. Id been doing methamphetamine for several months without knowing. And I had already fallen in love for the first time.

I found another job all while doing meth, I kept that job while doing meth, and spent all my time outside of work using. Or finding the drugs so I could use. let me tell you if you want to witness a screwed up relationship watch 2 meth addicts. First we fought because he was controlling my using, we fought about him finding people to get it from, how often we could use, how much I could spend. after a few months the paranoia set in and we fought because we thought people were out to get us as a couple, because I thought people were out to get me, he thought people were out to get him and eventually we progressed to thinking we were out to get each other. We went through each others things, snooped on each others phones and social media, we couldn’t avoid lying to each other. as you can imagine after we reached a certain point we couldn’t stand each other anymore. That’s the first time I told myself I could just stop, and then came to find I couldn’t.

I found others to buy drugs from and use with. continued to use more until I was 82 lbs in weight and looked like the poster girl for methamphetamine use. I felt like my face should have been sponsored on the faces of meth adds. despite all this I was lucky. I hit my rock bottom when I felt like death, and was left with nothing to my name. My addiction had me running home with my tail tucked between my legs more broken that I had ever been. But my family stood by me. The police department confiscated my phone and social media accounts but chose not to press charges. I spent 4.5 months in intensive outpatient rehabilitation.

Somehow over the course of time i made a decision. That while i didn’t know how to feel about being substance free i knew more than enough about what the alternative would be. I took a chance with recovery because i didn’t want to live like i had been. And over the course of the last 2 years ive learned a little, gotten a few coping tools, made better friends, learned a little about communication and relationships. THE ONLY THING IVE DONE RIGHT IS NOT GET HIGH!!! and for anyone that doesn’t know it that’s enough. And im now a HUGE advocate for recovery. My entire world is different from before. I thought i was to go back to who id been before addiction…. only to realize that’s not possible. You can’t unlive the experiences of addiction. it cant be unseen and you can’t undo what you have done. Therefore while you can change and do better, the past changes you. And those that i met in recovery showed me that the change had become a good thing. they were able to use it as a powerful driving force towards healthy living and quality of life. without those examples id have never believed it possible. I needed to see it. and start living it without realizing it. now i live my life in a way that i hope inspires others to give up drugs as well.

Because of giving up drugs a lot has changed. The hardest decision of my life has led to so many positive experiences and opportunities. So i guess now i can fast forward to today.

I find myself with a lot of free time. Now that I actually work a career type job, for the first time in my life, I have so much time to just be. Lately just being has been kind of weird. I don’t know about anyone else but im a busy-body. Go figure since my favorite drugs were uppers. Sometimes I make myself so busy that my head spins. All the free time is so abnormal for me that its awkward, and uncomfortable and im very indecisive. Amongst those general emotions is also a mix of insecurity, anxiety, loneliness. Emotions i didn’t realize i was feeling until another woman in recovery called me out for being so quiet and not myself. i guess sometimes encounters like that are how i realize i need to process things. But what i know today is that un-comfortability means growth. I may now see how im growing yet but i know it’s happening with or without my permission. And that despite my potentially inaccurate emotions, today im loved and cared for. And once i can acknowledge that, i stop feeling so alone. so i guess that’s it for now… who knows what will be written about next. It’s all pretty new to me. and like i said im indecisive…..